(1 votes, average: 3 out of 5)
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I’m pretty sure they stole this idea from the smash hit movie Little Giants when Becky discovers Junior Floyd expertly passing rolls of toilet paper right into a shopping cart at the supermarket, as though he’s passing a football.
(1 votes, average: 4 out of 5)
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Two blondes walk into a building……….you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Phone answering machine message - “…If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key…”
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only glad wrap for shorts.
The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.
I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”
‘Doc I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home’ “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.
‘Is it common?’ “It’s not unusual.”
A man takes his rotteweiller to the vet. “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.” “Why? Because he’s cross-eyed? ”
“No, because he’s really heavy”
Guy goes into the doctor’s. “Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.” “How’s that?” “Don’t you start.”
Two elephants walk off a cliff…boom, boom!
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give me a lift?”
I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum
or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other “Your round.” The other one says “So are you, you fat bastard!”
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.”
A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places” The doctor said, “Well don’t go there anymore”
Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
(1 votes, average: 5 out of 5)
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- You know the meaning of the word “girt”
- You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn
- You think it’s normal to have a leader called Kevin
- You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse
- You’ve made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden
- You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son’s pencil case when he first attends school
- When you hear that an American “roots for his team” you wonder how often and with whom
- You understand that the phrase “a group of women wearing black thongs” refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds
- You pronounce Melbourne as “Mel-bin”
- You pronounce Penrith as “Pen-riff”
- You believe the “l” in the word “Australia” is optional
- You can translate: “Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas”
- You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep
- You call your best friend “a total bastard” but someone you really, truly despise is just “a bit of a bastard”
- You think “Woolloomooloo” is a perfectly reasonable name for a place
- You’re secretly proud of our killer wildlife
- You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that’s twice as big as its $2 coin
- You understand that “Wagga Wagga” can be abbreviated to “Wagga” but “Woy Woy” can’t be called “Woy”
- You believe that cooked-down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread
- You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis
- Hamburger. Beetroot. Of course
- You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels’ song Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again
- You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionery known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year
- You still don’t get why the “Labor” in “Australian Labor Party” is not spelt with a “u”
- You wear ugh boots outside the house
- You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance
- You believe that the more you shorten someone’s name the more you like them
- Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language
- You understand that “excuse me” can sound rude, while “scuse me” is always polite
- You know what it’s like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose
- You understand that “you” has a plural and that it’s “youse”
- You know it’s not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle
- Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket
- You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call “Anzac cookies”
- You still think of Kylie as “that girl off Neighbours”
- When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you’re trying to sneak in fruit
- You believe the phrase “smart casual” refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered
- You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction
- When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer
- You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second
- You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government’s new test for migrants
- You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says “cobber”
- And you will immediately emil this link to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand
(1 votes, average: 3 out of 5)
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Men Are Just Happier People– What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be Prime Minister. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes — one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
(1 votes, average: 5 out of 5)
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Dude the year 2000 called, it wants its fad back.
(2 votes, average: 1.5 out of 5)
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